warble_on_jeff (
warble_on_jeff) wrote in
gleesanatomy2012-08-09 12:54 am
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"Do I remind you of somewhere you wanna be, so far out of reach?"
Who? Nick Matheson and Jeff Hinton (with Rory Matheson)
What? "Oh, I wish you'd open up for me, cause I wanna know you..."
When? Late Sunday night
Where? Nick and Rory's apartment
It had been a hell of a long shift for Jeff. One of those stupid nights when everything that could go wrong did, short of, thank God, losing a patient. He'd been about to shower and change when his pager had buzzed. They were shorthanded in the OR on an emergency surgery, and they needed him to come help out. Jeff figured he had nothing better to do, other than go home and sleep, so he headed right back into surgery to lend a hand.
What he hadn't anticipated was the doctor running into complications, though he wasn't sure why. Surgeries always seemed to go off without a hitch in the middle of his shift, and then hit every complication in the book when it was time for him to leave. The patient had made it, though, and Jeff had quickly caught a shower and changed, fully intending to go home and sleep for a day and a half or something, since he was about to start his off days. But when he decided to check Facebook before walking out the door to his car, Jeff noticed the post from Nick, timestamped only a few minutes earlier. He wasn't sure why, but he'd somehow ended up planning to head over to Nick's, and it was probably for the best, given that Nick's place was closer to the hospital than his own, and he was fucking exhausted.
He followed his GPS's directions to the apartment complex where Nick lived, and parked his silver Civic, climbing out of the car and walking toward Nick's building. He couldn't deny that it was nice to have his former best friend so close again. He found himself really hoping that he and Nick would have a chance to rebuild what they'd lost over the years, and work things out again. No matter how good things were, Jeff couldn't deny that it had always felt like a piece of him was missing without Nick in his life for the past several years. Maybe this would finally be his chance to regain that.
When he got to Nick's door, he could hear his friend's son through the door, obviously feeling quite miserable. Jeff felt for the kid, and for his dad, and he hoped like hell it didn't make anything worse when he knocked gently. "Nicky, it's me," he called out through the door, hoping he wasn't being too loud.
What? "Oh, I wish you'd open up for me, cause I wanna know you..."
When? Late Sunday night
Where? Nick and Rory's apartment
It had been a hell of a long shift for Jeff. One of those stupid nights when everything that could go wrong did, short of, thank God, losing a patient. He'd been about to shower and change when his pager had buzzed. They were shorthanded in the OR on an emergency surgery, and they needed him to come help out. Jeff figured he had nothing better to do, other than go home and sleep, so he headed right back into surgery to lend a hand.
What he hadn't anticipated was the doctor running into complications, though he wasn't sure why. Surgeries always seemed to go off without a hitch in the middle of his shift, and then hit every complication in the book when it was time for him to leave. The patient had made it, though, and Jeff had quickly caught a shower and changed, fully intending to go home and sleep for a day and a half or something, since he was about to start his off days. But when he decided to check Facebook before walking out the door to his car, Jeff noticed the post from Nick, timestamped only a few minutes earlier. He wasn't sure why, but he'd somehow ended up planning to head over to Nick's, and it was probably for the best, given that Nick's place was closer to the hospital than his own, and he was fucking exhausted.
He followed his GPS's directions to the apartment complex where Nick lived, and parked his silver Civic, climbing out of the car and walking toward Nick's building. He couldn't deny that it was nice to have his former best friend so close again. He found himself really hoping that he and Nick would have a chance to rebuild what they'd lost over the years, and work things out again. No matter how good things were, Jeff couldn't deny that it had always felt like a piece of him was missing without Nick in his life for the past several years. Maybe this would finally be his chance to regain that.
When he got to Nick's door, he could hear his friend's son through the door, obviously feeling quite miserable. Jeff felt for the kid, and for his dad, and he hoped like hell it didn't make anything worse when he knocked gently. "Nicky, it's me," he called out through the door, hoping he wasn't being too loud.
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He only just heard the knock over Rory's miserable sobbing, followed by Jeff calling out to him. He was sitting on the sofa blindly staring at the TV with the tiny boy nursed in his lap, the shoulder of his t-shirt covered in wet snotty and teary smears. Rory's little cheeks were bright red and he kept rubbing at his ear, which was obviously sore too. Nick hoisted him up onto his hip and then tiredly shuffled through the apartment to get the door. Rory's cries had stopped being painful wailing and more just quiet sobbing into Nick's neck. When Nick opened the door, though, and Rory realised something different was going on here, his big brown tear-filled eyes turned to Jeff to scope out the stranger he had never seen before, but his lips just kept wobbling with a steady stream of tears spilling down his cheeks. "Hey, dude," Nick greeted Jeff and took a couple of tissues from his pocket to wipe Rory's runny nose. "Are you sure you really want to be here right now?"
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He nodded quietly to Nick. "Of course," he said, stepping into the apartment and offering Rory a smile. "Your daddy says you're not feeling so hot, little man," he said softly in the soothing voice he used when he prepped kids for surgery. It was a scary thing to have surgery when you were small, and Jeff was relatively sure it was a very scary thing to have your mouth hurt the way Rory's must with his molars coming in when you couldn't understand why you had to feel so yuck. "I'm sorry your teeth are hurting." Looking back up at Nick, he repeated his previous affirmation and added, "Hey, I know it's been a while, but I really don't mind. I've had a lot of experience with kids who are feeling crappy. My first job out of college was a children's hospital."
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"But come in. Jesus, are you a sucker for punishment?" He closed the door behind Jeff and led him into the apartment. And it was actually surprisingly neat this time with Rory not feeling well enough to throw his toys all over the place. Then he just have to give a laugh of disbelief. "No, really, dude, why aren't you heading home to bed? If he starts crying again, he could go for hours. It's... fatherhood is epically amazing, but it can also be epically exhausting. Especially trying to do it alone. Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm coming or going."
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Jeff grinned as he followed Nick inside and shook his head. "I'm about to hit the off days on my rotation, so it's cool. I can sleep whenever. You sounded like you could use some company, and it's really not a problem. Besides, I've been wanting to meet this little guy, even if he's not feeling so good right now." He gave Nick a sympathetic nod. "I'm sure. I love kids... always have, but nobody ever said they were easy. I can't imagine raising a child alone, but I know Rory's lucky to have you as his dad. I'm here for all of two minutes, and I can see that."
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Rory was whimpering again and probably borderline about to start wailing again, so Nick got him back into the living room and planted himself on the couch so he could nurse his son to his chest warmly and securely. "Lucky you, dude. I'm just at the start of my new rotation. Today was the first day in." He patted Rory's back softly. "He doesn't have much of a choice. Poor kid probably feels like he drew the short straw with me some days. God, in the early days when my ex walked out and left her, I don't even know how I did it. Talk about being thrown in the deep end. I packed him up to Florida to stay with my folks for a couple of weeks and Mom helped me find my feet with anything. I really honestly have no idea how I did it. The whole thing sort of turned me epically off relationships for awhile. At least, het ones. I haven't had time to date since, and even then, single fathers with a toddler aren't all that appealing."
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As Jeff joined Nick and Rory on the couch, he tilted his head to one side, watching Rory curl against his father's chest, looking at Jeff through wet eyelashes and sad eyes. "If you need any help while you're on rotation, feel free to give me a call. I really don't mind. That is, if Rory takes to me okay. I wouldn't want to freak him out or anything, but I know with Blaine down for the count, you could probably use an extra person to pitch in. Hey, I can understand that, dude. At least if you date a guy, he's not going to get pregnant and leave you to raise a kid alone." Grinning at Rory, Jeff leaned close to him, but not so close as to scare him. "I don't get that at all, little guy... You're adorable... Who wouldn't want you in a package deal?" Glancing back up at Nick, he added, "Besides, aren't people all on that sensitive guy who rocks the daddy thing kick these days anyway? Or was that puppies?" He offered a smirk to the other man as he leaned back into the sofa, glancing up at the television, where Nick had some cute cartoon DVD playing for Rory. "I think my nephew watches this," he said, glancing over at Nick again with a playful grin. "Never thought I'd see the day the two of us would be watching cartoons together."
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He just laughed a little, until he paused and realised Jeff was actually serious. His eyebrows shot up and he gaped at his old friend for a moment. "Are you serious? You're just offering up babysitting services when we've hardly seen each other in years? Are you sure? Dude, you don't have to do that. You probably work hellish hours too, and seriously, taking care of a toddler is exhausting. But, um, I mean... you could hold him if you wanted, but he'll probably snot all over you. Everything seems to leak ten-fold when he's teething. More snot, more drool, more pee. And no... they're really not all on it. He might look cute to coo at in the supermarket, but when push comes to shove, I don't have much room for a social life and people dating sort of want to be a priority, you know?"
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Jeff nodded, a grin spreading over his face when he realized that Nick had, in fact, thought he was kidding. "Of course I'm serious. I can't promise I'm gonna be the most fun babysitter, but I'll definitely try. I'm sure, and I know I don't have to. I'm not asking because I feel obligated. I'm asking because you're my friend... And if there's any way we can get back what we used to have when we were kids, I want to do that. And the Jeff back then would've babysat for his BFF once they were old enough to have kids." For some reason or another it hit him that that particular comment sounded a bit odd, and he shook his head. "I'm still the same Jeff more or less. Just with some more life and schooling under my belt." His eyes searched Nick's, wondering if that was okay with how the little boy was feeling. "No, I'd love to hold him, but if he's already feeling bad, I don't want to upset him. If you don't think I'll make it worse, I definitely want to." Other than the additional issue of the kid, Jeff definitely got Nick's predicament. "Dude, trust me, I follow on that. Not so much with the kid part, clearly, but my job makes dating nearly impossible. I mean... There were guys I dated and... whatever with in college, but nothing serious. My work schedule alone put a stop to that. Having a little guy around has to cut down severely on what time you have left after work."
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He carefully shifted Rory from his arms over to Jeff's lap, but kept his hands around Rory's waist for a moment in case his son was going to scream the place down at the new location he was abruptly finding himself in. He wasn't always good with people he didn't know, and it could probably go either way. He watched closely, but even though he was clearly feeling miserable, Rory just proceeded to sit there on Jeff's lap and stare him out. His big brown eyes looked over Jeff's face but his little nasally snuffly breaths were pretty even, so he wasn't panicking. He was just sizing Jeff up, and then there was a glance at his daddy before he was right back looking at Jeff, probably wondering who the hell he was. But Rory's little pudgy hands closed over Jeff's wrists to hold onto him. He didn't look like he was about to loudly protest right off the bat... which was a good thing. "I'm not really the same person anymore. I mean, I guess I am deep down, but maybe it's just drowned out in trying to cope with fatherhood and work? All work and no play, all that sort of thing. At least in school, we had fun. Not so much of that anymore, unless I'm doing something fun with Rory. And even then, full-on daddy mode to make sure he's okay and safe. It's neverending."
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Once Rory had been placed in his lap, it was clear that the little boy was trying to figure out who Jeff was, and if he could trust him or not. Jeff just smiled warmly, and let his hands take the place of Nick's on the boy's waist. After a moment, Rory seemed satisfied that Jeff wasn't some sort of crazy psycho, and settled in on Jeff's lap. It still wasn't a look of contentment that Jeff was getting from the little one, but that was to be expected with a stranger and teething. Jeff's hands remained firmly in place on the Rory's waist, but his attention turned back to Nick for a moment. "Maybe that's it. I know I'm not as ADHD and bouncing off the walls as I used to be, but a lot of that is just due to a really good medication that finally got balanced out to the right doseage. We did have fun in school. We had a lot of fun. I thought about that a lot over the years, you know? The fun we had. I used to wonder where you were and if you were okay. But maybe sometime we could hang out for a little while... Maybe once Blaine's better and can watch Rory for you? We don't have to do anything crazy like get drunk or act like idiots, but maybe just shooting a game of pool or something like that. Something that wouldn't take too long so you didn't feel like you were too far from Rory." Pausing, he turned to look back at the little boy, his words replaying in his head if he tried to figure out if any of that had sounded wrong. "Don't worry about that too much right now, though. If you want to catch up sometime, I kind of live here, now, so it won't be a big thing when and if you ever do have time for a hang out. In the meantime, I'm totally cool to come hang out with you and Rory, too. Sometimes, you just need somebody to be there to listen, I think. Especially when it's somebody who's an old friend who wants to help. I'm seriously here for you on that, dude. Take a raincheck... Call it in anytime I'm not at work. I mean it. I'm seriously glad to help."
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After a little bit, Rory shoved his teething ring into his mouth and started to chew and suck on it as he sat there with Jeff, content for the moment to be sat there. "Yeah, I'd like that. Have you caught up much with Blaine? Poor dude was seriously sick. He scared the shit out of us. I don't drink anymore. It's another thing I sort of shelved when I became a dad. I can't come stumbling home drunk in case he needs me. But I really do appreciate your offer. Of course, when push comes to shove, pride might be prevent me calling in your service," he said with a wry smile.
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Jeff was relieved when it was clear that Rory wasn't going to freak out about the whole sitting on the new person he didn't know's lap thing. "Sounds like a plan to me. I've seen Blaine a couple of times. He had me worried half to death, but I'm glad he's on the mend now. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, either, but more because I had to give it up so I could focus and pass my classes, and I never really picked it back up beyond an occasional beer or two." Offering Nick his own smile, Jeff reached out and patted Nick's arm lightly. "Well, swallow it, dude, because I'm here, and I'm gonna be that annoying friend who doesn't go away if you don't." He shot Nick a wink before patting Rory's back gently.
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"It still all blows my mind. Kurt just reacted and gave Blaine CPR, didn't even get a protective mask. I should have realised that was something right there, but I didn't. Turns out, Blaine was well crushing on Kurt. You've met Kurt right? He's not long back from New York. He was working there for a year. Anyway, Blaine asked Kurt on a date, then took it back, and now he apparently wants to take back the taking back. Someone needs to give him a serious slap to knock some sense into him, because Kurt's goddamn gorgeous. And now, just when no one can actually keep up with what is going on with either of them, Blaine's staying at Kurt while he recuperates." He shook his head in amusement. "But what about you? How come there isn't a special guy or girl in your life?"
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"I know what you mean. I do know Kurt. We actually work pretty closely together a lot. He's more or less my direct supervisor. Which is great, because he's a good guy. Sassy as hell if you fuck up, or he thinks you're out of line, but a good guy. And you need that in a hospital setting anyway. Discipline and focus are vital... Which makes it somewhat shocking that I ended up a nurse, but you never know, do you? I swear, if Blaine weren't sick already, I might smack him myself." Jeff paused, thinking that question over in his head for a few short seconds. "Honestly? I don't really know. I've dated people and had some fun along the way, but nothing ever really stuck. Plus with school, and now moving away from where I was yet again? It was hard to focus on a relationship on top of all of that."
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He nodded. "Right. I forgot you worked in surgical. You would work with him. It blows my mind to know he's hooking up with Blaine. Blaine's always sabotaged any sure thing he had. He rarely gets laid and he's a workaholic. I can think of at least ten dudes who would have killed for a date with Blaine, but he was oblivious. Then all of a sudden, he's crushing hard on Kurt, so I guess he has a type. They never knew each other before, because Kurt was in New York, and then Blaine was in Africa. Even before that, Kurt was dating Andrew. I don't know if you've met him. Blonde hottie, ER doc. Really nice guy, but he and Kurt didn't make it. Maybe you can ask him out on a date?" he joked with a laugh... and then had no idea why that sat wrong in his gut after he said it. "I'm just kidding. Andrew's actually going through hell right now. He had a needlestick injury. There's always Mike. He swings both ways."
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"Yep," Jeff replied with a grin. "And for all my ADHD as a kid, and even now, when I'm in the OR, it's like I tap into this sudden crazy level of focus, where all I think of is helping the doctor get the job done. I don't know exactly how it happens, but I think it's adrenaline or something. That's crazy, though. He and Blaine would be adorable together though. If Blaine manages to keep from screwing himself over again." His grin faded, but only slightly, at Nick's suggestion. "Dr. Pearson? Yeah, I heard about that. He's a nice guy, for sure, but I think I'm blonde enough for any one relationship. I guess Mike's possible, but I don't really know him all that well... And honestly, I'm kind of just trying to get settled in here and find my feet with the new place and the new job and all before I start thinking seriously about dating. I know I want to be here for a while, so I want to get established before I start making the rounds... Pun kind of intended."
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"That's a good thing, because you fuck around in Kurt's OR, he will stab you with a scalpel," he laughed. It was an exaggeration, but he knew Kurt did run a tight ship on his nurses in the actual surgeries. He was a sweetheart with an amazing bedside manner, but the surgeries he was overseeing were serious business. "You would really turn down a relationship on a blonde dude? Seriously? And Mike's a great guy. One of the best I know. I don't suggest going after Kurt or Blaine. They both might lock you in the morgue and throw away the key. And who said anything about serious dating? There's no reason for you to be celibate, is there?"
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"Oh, no joke," Jeff replied soberly. "Kurt's a fantastic guy, and fantastic at what he does, too. And there is no way in hell he's going to let anybody else screw up in his OR. It's good though. It feels good to work with someone that you know is putting their heart and soul into their work... Means that they're not just working for the paycheck. He gets joy out of doing his job, and doing it well, and we need more people like that in the world." He laughed out loud at Nick's question and shook his head playfully. "No. I'm kidding. I wouldn't turn a guy down for a date because he was blonde. Not at all. It was... a really dumb joke. Yeah... There are a lot of good guys... and girls... that I know. But... I don't know, I kind of did the random sex thing for a while, and now I'm at a different place in my life. I work hard most of the week, and I want to have someone that matters to me at the end of the day. I know I'm not really old by any means, and I won't say that I don't still occasionally get my sex on, but... At this point it's just kind of like snacking to hold you over until you get the dinner that you really want... Which is a weird comparison, but that's what it's like."
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He smirked. "Rumour has it that the New York hospital he went to work with her trying to poach him permanently, and Kurt's always had New York dreams. Apparently they were completely shelved when all this stuff with Blaine went down and now everyone is assuming he turned the job down because of Blaine. Seriously, this place is forever rife with gossip. Kurt's just one of those guys. All the gay guys want him, all the straight chicks want to marry him if he was straight, and all the straight guys have no idea what the hell he has that makes him so appealing. And I really kind of hope things heat up there with him and Blaine when the dust settles because Blaine seriously needs it. He hasn't had a relationship in ages and he gets so uptight and work-oriented. If you're careful, you might turn into Blaine 2.0 yourself. It can't be all work and no play, can it? Just don't get to the point you're turning down an amazingly sure and healthy thing because you think you're too busy with work."
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"Nice," Jeff replied with a grin. "He really must be into Blaine seriously, then. Good on them, if they decide to actually follow through with it. I hope they do. Blaine is a great guy, and I can tell Kurt is, too... And Jesus, his ass? Not that I'll be able to perve on it much if Blaine's got that on lockdown. But I'm pretty sure it'd be worth a non-perving law for them to get their happy on together. It's not that I'm not willing to date, though, honestly. It's just that I'm looking for something special... Not just a random screw here and there. I'm at that place in my life where that's what I want. I want the cuddles with the sex, and the waking up together, and having meals together when work allows, and all that stuff. Not just the random screw here and there."
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He had one hand on Rory's bare belly as he expertly got to changing the diaper. He was well-versed in how wriggly the little boy could be. He had learned the one-handed thing early on. "The first kid I ever lost was a three year old from a drunk drive crash. The seatbelt wasn't on properly. The poor thing had no hope of surviving. She was a mess. I'll tell you, though, it makes me triple-check Rory's seatbelts every time I put him in the car." He had to smirk, though, when his mind jumped back to the rest of their conversation. "Kurt's a total package. A lot of the gay guys have wanted a piece of that, though they're pretty sure Kurt's either extremely choosy or has a type. We just don't really know what that type is. He was with Andrew for quite awhile, but now Blaine... and Andrew and Blaine have clashed like crazy. I guess it's a pissing contest, on some level. So, you want something special. You have to start that somewhere, though. How will you kick anything serious off if you don't at least set the wheels in motion?"
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"Losing kids is always the worst," Jeff replied, giving Rory's hand a gentle squeeze. "You never get used to it... You think that there will come a point where you'll be able to totally separate from it, but it never comes. It's sickening and heartbreaking, and you always just feel horrible about it." He sighed, but gratefully smiled when Nick change back to the other topic at hand. "Yeah, he definitely is. I really like working for him, and he's absolutely a hottie. But I think if Kurt is choosy, there's something to be said for it. I mean, everybody deserves to find a person who makes them happy, and if you have a good idea of what that might look like for you, why not go for it? Is Andrew still into Kurt or something?" Jeff asked, half thinking out loud. "I know you have to start it somewhere, but I haven't really met anyone I really connected with... mostly because I work all the time. Most people who aren't in the medical field don't have a very good grasp on the kind of schedules we work and stuff like that." He paused with a shrug. "I guess it couldn't hurt to get out and go for it, though. It would just require me to stop being a total loser who doesn't have a life outside of work."
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He finished with the diaper and dressed Rory again, and then sat him up on the change table so he could get his bearings for a few moments. Nick feathered his fingertips through Rory's hair to comb it back down again. "You can't ever really separate from it. Especially when you have one of your own, you put yourself in the parent's shoes. It just makes you grateful for all the things you do have, rather than moping about the things you don't. I guess it's why I've resigned myself to the single life without much grief. I mean, it's not fair to expect anyone to just be saddled with a toddler. As much as I wish I could promise otherwise, Rory can interfere with private and intimate times. He might be sick or upset or restless, and I can't just leave him because I want to get laid." He picked Rory up and set him on his hip so he could carry him back through to the living room. This time, he put the toddler down on the floor so he could play with his toys. "Kurt won't settle. I admire that about him. He'd rather be single and fabulous than be with someone who doesn't fit him. Most people just settle. I think Andrew and Kurt know they're not suited together anymore, but they're still close friends. They still look out for each other, maybe a bit of protectiveness there that whoever is next needs to be right for them. It's nice. Just, Andrew thinks Blaine is a dick. At least, he did before he got sick. Things might have changed now. It's not healthy to just work all the time, you know. You need other things to balance or you'll end up miserable."
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There was just such a tender love between Nick and his son that was blatantly obvious to Jeff as he watched Nick's gentle movements, all so careful and loving. The little boy obviously loved and trusted his daddy implicitly, and with good reason. Jeff found himself focused in on the picture that the pair created in front of him for so long that he almost missed what Nick was even saying. He snapped back to reality after just a moment, and nodded. "Not at all... I mean, I don't even have one of my own, but there's just something about that... about seeing a kid like that that breaks your heart. I mean, it's all good, I guess, if you are cool with being single. But Rory's a gorgeous kid, and I mean... I'm sure there's a person out there that would just love to be part of both of your lives. And anybody who wanted that with you would have to just understand that. You're not a bad option as someone's other half just because you're a dad who is really great with your son." For some reason, that particular statement struck Jeff in an odd way, and he fell quiet for a moment or two as Rory held onto a couple of his fingers in his little hand. The little guy was absolutely gorgeous, and just being around him and Nick made Jeff have this strange feeling in his gut that he couldn't totally explain or put words to. It was just there, and it wasn't going anywhere, and Jeff wasn't entirely sure he wanted it to. "It's pretty impressive, I gotta say. Most people end up hooking up because it's the done thing. Kurt's just like, 'Whatever, bitches, I'm flawless and I don't have to date to prove it.' But that being said, I think he and Blaine would be pretty great together. Hopefully Blaine and Andrew will get along better, though, because it would have to suck having them not get along on Kurt's part." With a small smile at Rory, who was playing in the floor now, Jeff glanced back at Nick. "True. I've just kind of... been waiting to find someone that I'd get on with and feel... I don't know, just feel right with. It needs to be something that clicks pretty quickly, because my time is really limited. I don't want to spend too much of it dating people that I'd never be happy with ever. I just... Want someone that's okay with my schedule and kind of a simple life beyond that. I'm not really looking for some wild and crazy lifestyle. Just... You know, somebody to share my life with. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it."
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"I'm happy for my friends, and I hope it works out for them, I really do. I'm rooting for Blaine and Kurt because I know how lonely Blaine gets. He's a workaholic but he also has a lot of love to give. I think in a relationship, he'd thrive. I can live vicariously through him," he joked with a small, someone sad and resolved laugh, then gestured to Jeff. "And through you, if you decide to live in the fast lane and ask someone out on a date. There's some great places around here too. You have to remember too, it's not that hard to find someone with just as crazy lifestyle and schedule. All health workers are sort of in the same boat, you know? they'll get it. We also understand very much the good, the bad, and and the ugly of life because we see it every day."
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Jeff had to nod wholeheartedly in agreement with that particular sentiment. "I really hope so, too. Lonely's kind of a bitch, I'm not gonna lie. Work is great when you enjoy your job, but it doesn't take the place of all those... Those couple things. Having a great job doesn't make you tea when you had a rough day, or cuddle with you when you just want to cut off the world. But I don't know. I mean, I know that there are people out there who understand what my job is like. Which is really nice, but I just... I guess it all starts with getting out there and getting my date on. Which is the hard part, believe it or not. I get way nervous over asking people out." He laughed a little at that. "I know, that's a pretty epic fail, but it's true."
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He fell quiet then, the joke probably making him feel a little more awkward than he intended it to. He just let that sit with him for a moment or two before he was ready to shove it aside again like he always did. "It's just a matter of in the past, you thought if you grew up, got a job, it would be with mind to eventually support your family and children. Provide for them. Which is exactly what I'm doing. But this isn't how I envisaged it. I envisaged it with a partner too, not all on my own. That's the hard part. But take it from me, dude, you haven't got a single thing holding you back from any dating. You're hot, you're free, you've got a good job, no major debts. Just live and enjoy. Get out there and find someone to share it with. No one is going to hand it to you."
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As Nick changed the subject, Jeff nodded along. Nick was definitely making sense, and Jeff couldn't imagine suddenly finding yourself a single parent. Especially not in a situation like this one where it had been expected for him to have a life with Rory's mom. It had to be a rough place for anyone to be. "Yeah, I can definitely imagine that would suck," Jeff sympathized. "I mean, not that I think it being Rory's dad would suck, because he's gorgeous and he seems like a precious little guy, even if he is feeling yucky right now. But doing it all alone? Damn. I don't envy you, but Christ, do I respect you. I always thought I'd love to be a dad, but... But not alone." He tried to contain it, but a smile flickered across his face when Nick said that he was hot. "Maybe I will," he said with a shrug. "If I ever feel like going out after these crazy shifts..." Even as he spoke, it occurred to Jeff to wonder if it sounded as much like he was making excuses as it felt like... and if so, why was he making them at all?
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It was after Jeff got to his point about Nick just getting a sitter so he could go out and get laid that Nick's dark eyes turned to gaze at Jeff. The look lingered for a little longer than normal and then he just cleared his throat softly with a small shake of his head. "That's not really my style. Palming my kid off to a sitter so I can get my dick out. It wouldn't feel right. Besides, hook-ups with random faceless dick in general just doesn't sit well in my gut now that I'm a dad. I don't even know why. I can't explain it." He paused with a small snort of a laugh. "No, you're plenty hot," was all he added to that, his tone blatantly serious as he held Jeff's gaze. What the hell was his mind doing to him here. There was no way he and Jeff could have a hook-up. It would make things weird and awkward... right? They might have been BFFs in school, but Nick hadn't know Jeff batted for that team back then, and he had a kid now. Things were different. He was sure there were Hollywood movies with plots like this that ended up always blowing up in the characters' faces. He didn't need sex that much... or at all. So, it was stupid for his brain to even be thinking along these lines. It wasn't convenient or easy, it was stupid, and he didn't want to make things weird just because they both liked dick. He could live without sex and anything else. He had done it this long.
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"I didn't really think it would be your thing," Jeff replied. "I mean... You always kinda seemed like you'd want sex to be something special. I don't know, though, you may have been another Brian Kinney before you got with Rory's mom. It's been ages since I've seen you. But that just... doesn't seem like something that's changed with you." Jeff didn't know what was happening, but Nick's eyes were holding his as he spoke, and he just couldn't look away. There was an almost awkward feeling hanging between them, but Jeff wasn't sure it was even that. Awkward didn't seem like the right word. But it was definitely something, and it only increased when Nick reiterated his statement that Jeff was hot. Only it really didn't sound like a joke, and Jeff wasn't sure how to take it. It was just... quiet, and they were both staring at each other, and Jeff wasn't sure why there was an overwhelming urge in him all of a sudden just to kiss Nick... well, maybe not *just* kiss him, but that would definitely be a start and... what the fuck was he thinking? Nick's two year old son was sleeping on the floor right in front of them. It wasn't right to mack on a little kids dad right in front of them, was it? Even if Rory was asleep... Right? He couldn't do that. Could he? Of course... maybe one kiss wouldn't hurt? Maybe? In the midst of all the back and forth in his mind, Nick was still looking at him and Jeff felt like he had to do something. So maybe it was ADHD, and maybe it was just what he needed to do, but he leaned closer to Nick and pressed a kiss to the other man's lips -- soft and questioning, but very much a kiss -- and waited to see what might come next.
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Then all a sudden (at least, it felt sudden), Jeff was kissing him and it blew Nick's mind so much that he wasn't entirely convinced he wasn't imagining it. Like, maybe he was so tired his brain lapsed into a power nap or something and this was a weird micro-dream. Which made no sense, because even if it was a dream, it was still a dream about Jeff kissing him, and that was weird, right? Jesus, it had to be weird, but why was it feeling so right? It took Nick's brain a few moments to actually catch up with the reality and he knew then that he really had no choice but to kiss back. It was the first kiss other than from Rory that he had received in a long time, and this wasn't even in the same realm as drooly two year old kisses all over his face. Which was probably a good thing. Jeff was a good kisser. An amazing kisser, actually, but that inevitable kick of uncertainty and almost borderline guilt that he should only be thinking about Rory got him in the gut and he pulled back, breathless.
He touched his lips and cleared his throat, pointing down at his son. "I should... should, um, just get him into bed before..." Before? Before what, Nick? If Rory was in bed in his room, maybe Nick would feel a little less nervy about the whole thing. He could put the baby monitor on and he would know if Rory woke up, so that would be fine. Still, he scooped his sleeping son up into his arms and carried him through to his room to put him down to sleep. His mind was racing a mile a minute while he went through the motions and turned the monitor on. He drew a deep breath and let it out in a rush when he grabbed up the portable side of the monitor and then stepped back out into the hall, finding Jeff hovering there uncertainly like he wasn't sure if he had just gotten rejected or what. Nick wet his lips and glanced at the door of his bedroom across the hall. "J-Just say we do... whatever... it won't make anything weird between us, will it?"
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The next thing Jeff knew, Nick was carrying Rory's tiny sleeping form down the hallway, and Jeff was wondering if he'd managed to fuck this whole thing up, and right after just having found Nick again, too. He was doing that mental thing, beating himself up for such a stupid fuck up, and trying to figure out how he could've been so stupid, when Nick came out into the hall again. And he was asking a question that Jeff hadn't been expecting at all. "No..." he replied carefully. "Nothing will be weird on my end of things. What about you? Is this... Are you okay with this, Nicky?" It occurred to Jeff as he spoke that he hadn't actually asked Nick about sex or fooling around. Had Nick just assumed that was what he wanted? He definitely didn't want the other guy to think that. Jeff was raised to be a gentleman -- if a very hyper and bouncy one most of the time when he wasn't utterly exhausted from his shift -- and he was taught by both parents from the time he knew what sex was that it was never something you were supposed to just assume was on the table.
Or was it not that Nick assumed Jeff was trying to get in his pants? Could it be that sex was very much what Nick wanted? Jeff had no qualms whatsoever about sleeping with the other guy. He was hot, no doubt about it. And he was some someone that Jeff had always trusted, and yes, loved. Granted back then, the love that he'd felt for Nick had never been on the level of romantic or sexual in any way. Not because Nick wasn't beautiful, but because Jeff hadn't come into his sexuality yet. For that matter, he hadn't really even been thinking on the wavelength that other guys were, as far as sex and love and all that stuff went. "Nicky, I... I swear that whatever happens, you and I will still be okay. I'll make sure of it."
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And then it was out there and he couldn't take it back. He didn't want to either, even if his stomach was flip-flopping nervously at just his confession. He had to elaborate, because just leaving it like that was pretty heavy and full-on. "I just don't... can't... do the one night thing. I know I can't. If I do something... anything, it's got to mean something. It's got to be... be..." He waved the baby monitor a little, fishing around for the right words he was looking to cover what was going on, even if it was a bit of a confused mess. "A possible exploration of more than just one night." Did that even make sense? He had no fucking idea anymore. What the hell was he trying to say? If he slept with Jeff, he didn't want it to just be a random fuck. If he slept with Jeff, he knew it was going to do things to him that he wouldn't have control over. He didn't know how he knew, but he just did.
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He took a step to put himself closer to Nick, and reached out to take the hand that wasn't holding the baby monitor. "Nicky... I know. And I don't... I don't just want to fuck you, either. I've... We've cared about each other for a long time. And we missed some time... a lot of time, really. But I never stopped caring. I... I couldn't help wondering when I found out you liked guys, too, if... If we'd stayed in touch, maybe would something have happened with us? So we'd end up together? I don't know. I know we can't really know that for sure because it's not how things went. But Nicky, I do care about you. And if we sleep together, I swear to you, I won't just be fucking you. I'm open to whatever might happen next. As long as what happens next isn't us being weird and never talking again." His hand squeezed Nick's tight. "I'm willing to try this, though. Are you? Because if you're not, I'll understand. Sleeping together was never a given for me anyway."
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No, no... he had to stop overthinking everything or he would back out. Rory was asleep, he was safe. He was teething, but he was still settled enough to sleep without stirring, and Nick had the baby monitor if that changed. Then you had Blaine who had taken a leap of faith and slept with Kurt, laying his heart on the line there, even if the situation was very uncertain there too. Maybe Nick should take a leaf out of his old friend's book here? He didn't have answers to Jeff's questions. He hadn't really known a lot back then that he was into guys, so it was hard to say if they would have developed into more. But they did have the hear and now, and maybe they should just take each moment as it came?
He wet his lips and nodded, pulling Jeff closer with his hand into his bedroom. "Come on then," he murmured. Hell, if he needed to overthink it, he could do that afterwards, right?