gleesanatomy | "Do I remind you of somewhere you wanna be, so far out of reach?"

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"Do I remind you of somewhere you wanna be, so far out of reach?"

Who? Nick Matheson and Jeff Hinton (with Rory Matheson)
What? "Oh, I wish you'd open up for me, cause I wanna know you..."
When? Late Sunday night
Where? Nick and Rory's apartment

It had been a hell of a long shift for Jeff. One of those stupid nights when everything that could go wrong did, short of, thank God, losing a patient. He'd been about to shower and change when his pager had buzzed. They were shorthanded in the OR on an emergency surgery, and they needed him to come help out. Jeff figured he had nothing better to do, other than go home and sleep, so he headed right back into surgery to lend a hand.

What he hadn't anticipated was the doctor running into complications, though he wasn't sure why. Surgeries always seemed to go off without a hitch in the middle of his shift, and then hit every complication in the book when it was time for him to leave. The patient had made it, though, and Jeff had quickly caught a shower and changed, fully intending to go home and sleep for a day and a half or something, since he was about to start his off days. But when he decided to check Facebook before walking out the door to his car, Jeff noticed the post from Nick, timestamped only a few minutes earlier. He wasn't sure why, but he'd somehow ended up planning to head over to Nick's, and it was probably for the best, given that Nick's place was closer to the hospital than his own, and he was fucking exhausted.

He followed his GPS's directions to the apartment complex where Nick lived, and parked his silver Civic, climbing out of the car and walking toward Nick's building. He couldn't deny that it was nice to have his former best friend so close again. He found himself really hoping that he and Nick would have a chance to rebuild what they'd lost over the years, and work things out again. No matter how good things were, Jeff couldn't deny that it had always felt like a piece of him was missing without Nick in his life for the past several years. Maybe this would finally be his chance to regain that.

When he got to Nick's door, he could hear his friend's son through the door, obviously feeling quite miserable. Jeff felt for the kid, and for his dad, and he hoped like hell it didn't make anything worse when he knocked gently. "Nicky, it's me," he called out through the door, hoping he wasn't being too loud.

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"I had to hire a nanny. She's only here when I work, it's not like I pay her to raise him. She has him three of my four twelve hour shifts, and his grandparents have him the other day because I couldn't afford it otherwise. His mother's parents. She skipped town and went to the west coast, and I haven't spoken to her since but they still wanted to be part of his life. They're happy to do it. They even offered to take him two days recently, and honestly, I'm tempted to save a bit of cash. Things are tight, I can't even deny that. Being a single parent isn't easy. Being a single working parent to make ends meet is even harder. It's really not how I envisaged life turning out, but it works. I just get very, very tired sometimes and yeah, my health occasionally takes a dive. It gets really lonely... he's a toddler, he can't converse. A lot of the time, it's just me and him. It's lonely," Nick had to confess, even if his pride was trying to make light of it.

After a little bit, Rory shoved his teething ring into his mouth and started to chew and suck on it as he sat there with Jeff, content for the moment to be sat there. "Yeah, I'd like that. Have you caught up much with Blaine? Poor dude was seriously sick. He scared the shit out of us. I don't drink anymore. It's another thing I sort of shelved when I became a dad. I can't come stumbling home drunk in case he needs me. But I really do appreciate your offer. Of course, when push comes to shove, pride might be prevent me calling in your service," he said with a wry smile.

"I wouldn't have thought so," Jeff responded, gently bouncing his legs, and thereby, bouncing Rory lightly on his lap. "It's pretty obvious you're a really hands on dad. It's great that his grandparents want to know him, and they're helping you out. No offense, but his mom sounds... well, not like much of a mom. Sounds like you lucked up with her parents though. I'm sorry, though... I mean, that it turned out like this. You're one of the best people I know, Nicky. You deserve to be happy. Not lonely." His eyes turned to meet Nick's warmly. It wasn't pity so much as just wishing there were more ways he could help. He and Nick had always been close back in school, had always had each other's backs, and he wanted to be able to do that for his friend now.

Jeff was relieved when it was clear that Rory wasn't going to freak out about the whole sitting on the new person he didn't know's lap thing. "Sounds like a plan to me. I've seen Blaine a couple of times. He had me worried half to death, but I'm glad he's on the mend now. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, either, but more because I had to give it up so I could focus and pass my classes, and I never really picked it back up beyond an occasional beer or two." Offering Nick his own smile, Jeff reached out and patted Nick's arm lightly. "Well, swallow it, dude, because I'm here, and I'm gonna be that annoying friend who doesn't go away if you don't." He shot Nick a wink before patting Rory's back gently.

Nick reached over and stroke his fingers through his son's thick hair and watched as he seemed content to being with Jeff. It was surreal for Nick to watch... beyond that even and a tiny frown of awe appeared on his forehead. After he moment, he gave a bit of a laugh with a shake of his head. "Sorry, he just doesn't usually take very easily to people he doesn't know. He'll usually be trying to scream the place down by now. Of course, I don't generally have people over here that he doesn't know, like... ever, so maybe he's just assuming that because you are here, it's all good," he contemplated, yet still confused over the whole thing as Rory just continued to sit there and watch Jeff's face. Right before his little hand reached up to soft grab for Jeff's cheek.

"It still all blows my mind. Kurt just reacted and gave Blaine CPR, didn't even get a protective mask. I should have realised that was something right there, but I didn't. Turns out, Blaine was well crushing on Kurt. You've met Kurt right? He's not long back from New York. He was working there for a year. Anyway, Blaine asked Kurt on a date, then took it back, and now he apparently wants to take back the taking back. Someone needs to give him a serious slap to knock some sense into him, because Kurt's goddamn gorgeous. And now, just when no one can actually keep up with what is going on with either of them, Blaine's staying at Kurt while he recuperates." He shook his head in amusement. "But what about you? How come there isn't a special guy or girl in your life?"

The tenderness Nick showed toward his son was something that didn't surprise Jeff at all. He'd known the other man for a long time, despite the large gap where they hadn't seen each other, and he knew that Nick was a gentle sweetheart of a guy, a true artist. And it was clear to Jeff how much Nick loved his little boy, for better or worse, and that, too, wasn't surprising in the least. "Maybe he just likes me," Jeff teased, winking at the other guy before turning back to Rory as the little one put his hand gently against Jeff's face. Softly smiling at the boy, Jeff put his own hand over Rory's, the chubby little fingers warm against his face. "Isn't that right, Rory?" he asked, in a warm, gentle tone as he held eye contact with the toddler. "You like me... And that's good, because I like you, too."

"I know what you mean. I do know Kurt. We actually work pretty closely together a lot. He's more or less my direct supervisor. Which is great, because he's a good guy. Sassy as hell if you fuck up, or he thinks you're out of line, but a good guy. And you need that in a hospital setting anyway. Discipline and focus are vital... Which makes it somewhat shocking that I ended up a nurse, but you never know, do you? I swear, if Blaine weren't sick already, I might smack him myself." Jeff paused, thinking that question over in his head for a few short seconds. "Honestly? I don't really know. I've dated people and had some fun along the way, but nothing ever really stuck. Plus with school, and now moving away from where I was yet again? It was hard to focus on a relationship on top of all of that."

"Maybe he does..." Nick agreed quietly, forehead creasing just a little as he contemplated that. Part of the reason he never dated was because it really scared him to think how Rory would take to any dates. If he didn't like the person, that would basically be the end of the entire proceedings. It would also be the same if the person didn't like Rory. In fact, Nick would cut that shit off quicker than any date could say 'Let's have lunch'. Rory was the most important thing in Nick's life and that would never, ever change. It wasn't how he ever planned on having a family and when he had envisaged having a family of his own when he was younger, he was happily married and in a healthy relationship. It was all him, he was a solo daddy act and he was proud of the job he had done, but he had always been reluctant to let anyone he wasn't already close with into their little bubble.

He nodded. "Right. I forgot you worked in surgical. You would work with him. It blows my mind to know he's hooking up with Blaine. Blaine's always sabotaged any sure thing he had. He rarely gets laid and he's a workaholic. I can think of at least ten dudes who would have killed for a date with Blaine, but he was oblivious. Then all of a sudden, he's crushing hard on Kurt, so I guess he has a type. They never knew each other before, because Kurt was in New York, and then Blaine was in Africa. Even before that, Kurt was dating Andrew. I don't know if you've met him. Blonde hottie, ER doc. Really nice guy, but he and Kurt didn't make it. Maybe you can ask him out on a date?" he joked with a laugh... and then had no idea why that sat wrong in his gut after he said it. "I'm just kidding. Andrew's actually going through hell right now. He had a needlestick injury. There's always Mike. He swings both ways."

Jeff wasn't privy to the thoughts Nick was having in seeing his son connect with his high school BFF. All he knew was that there was something very special to him in the fact that little Rory liked him. He couldn't exactly put a finger on what, beyond the fact that he'd always loved kids in general, and it was a cool feeling when a kid recognized that you cared about them and let you know that they trusted you. His fingers brushed gently against the back of Rory's hand, still pressed, tiny and warm, to his cheek. It was as if Rory knew that he didn't recognize this face, but he was okay with it just the same, and Jeff gave a warm smile to the little guy. "I can't believe you're a dad," he admitted to Nick. "I guess we really have grown up." It was such a surprisingly quiet moment from Rory, who Jeff knew wasn't feeling his best at all with his teething, and Jeff couldn't help turning a smile on Nick. "Gotta hand it to you, Matheson. You make pretty babies."

"Yep," Jeff replied with a grin. "And for all my ADHD as a kid, and even now, when I'm in the OR, it's like I tap into this sudden crazy level of focus, where all I think of is helping the doctor get the job done. I don't know exactly how it happens, but I think it's adrenaline or something. That's crazy, though. He and Blaine would be adorable together though. If Blaine manages to keep from screwing himself over again." His grin faded, but only slightly, at Nick's suggestion. "Dr. Pearson? Yeah, I heard about that. He's a nice guy, for sure, but I think I'm blonde enough for any one relationship. I guess Mike's possible, but I don't really know him all that well... And honestly, I'm kind of just trying to get settled in here and find my feet with the new place and the new job and all before I start thinking seriously about dating. I know I want to be here for a while, so I want to get established before I start making the rounds... Pun kind of intended."

Nick just gave a soft laugh with a shake of his head. He pressed his lips together and let his head hang forward for a moment as he basked in the moment of nostalgia. "Some days, I still can't even believe it. I wanted him, you know? He was a surprise, but he was never a bad one. I was engaged to his mom, it was all going to be amazing in my head. I thought I was happy. But it was all farce when it came out that she was cheating on me. I was even scared he wasn't mine on and off during the pregnancy, even if she was adamant the bastard she was sleeping with had a vasectomy, I just couldn't trust a single damn word out of her mouth after that. But when he got here, there was no doubt he was mine. He was mine, and then suddenly she was skipping out to be with him and didn't want anything to do with him. It was a real shock to the system, but when you have a kid, it's like you start thinking with this entire piece of your brain you never even knew existed. Everything is different."

"That's a good thing, because you fuck around in Kurt's OR, he will stab you with a scalpel," he laughed. It was an exaggeration, but he knew Kurt did run a tight ship on his nurses in the actual surgeries. He was a sweetheart with an amazing bedside manner, but the surgeries he was overseeing were serious business. "You would really turn down a relationship on a blonde dude? Seriously? And Mike's a great guy. One of the best I know. I don't suggest going after Kurt or Blaine. They both might lock you in the morgue and throw away the key. And who said anything about serious dating? There's no reason for you to be celibate, is there?"

"Shit," Jeff murmured, turning to look at Nick for a moment until the tiny, insistent hand on his cheek gave a little push, trying to bring Jeff's attention back to Rory. He couldn't help smiling at the little boy again. Fuck, did Rory ever look like a little Nick? "It's good he was wanted, though. It's sad how many people have kids that don't want or care about them. I've seen some really messed up stuff in the hospital... And I'm sure you've had to transport some really hurt or neglected kids along the way, too. It makes me sick.. I can't tell you the number of times I've just wanted to sucker punch some asshole parent for hurting their kid. Thank God that Rory came into a world where he not only has a dad who loves him and would never hurt him, but who wants him, too. Isn't that right, Rory?" he asked, giving a playful shake of his head at the little boy and sending his hair into a mess. "He's lucky to have you, Nicky," he added. It had been so long since he'd seen Nick, but the familiar nickname was the only thing Jeff had ever called him, save for when they'd first met. He could remember that day clearly... Seeing Nick there, and shaking his hand, being excited that it seemed like he had a really cool roommate going for him. That night, as they'd settled into their room, joking around about any and everything, and realizing quickly how easily they got along, Jeff had called Nick "Nicky," and he'd never once called him Nick again that he could remember. It was an odd, and maybe dorky thing to remember, but it was right there at the forefront of his memory for whatever reason.

"Oh, no joke," Jeff replied soberly. "Kurt's a fantastic guy, and fantastic at what he does, too. And there is no way in hell he's going to let anybody else screw up in his OR. It's good though. It feels good to work with someone that you know is putting their heart and soul into their work... Means that they're not just working for the paycheck. He gets joy out of doing his job, and doing it well, and we need more people like that in the world." He laughed out loud at Nick's question and shook his head playfully. "No. I'm kidding. I wouldn't turn a guy down for a date because he was blonde. Not at all. It was... a really dumb joke. Yeah... There are a lot of good guys... and girls... that I know. But... I don't know, I kind of did the random sex thing for a while, and now I'm at a different place in my life. I work hard most of the week, and I want to have someone that matters to me at the end of the day. I know I'm not really old by any means, and I won't say that I don't still occasionally get my sex on, but... At this point it's just kind of like snacking to hold you over until you get the dinner that you really want... Which is a weird comparison, but that's what it's like."

Nick just nodded slowly, watching his son with a mix of deep thought and probably even a little bit of nostalgia for the old days in school where everything was so simple and easy. "Yeah, I see it too. Usually the first point of call. I've seen some kids really messed up from child abuse or neglect. By the time they're hitting a medic chopper, it's hardcore serious business. Being a father, it's cases like that it's really hard to switch yourself off from and stay neutral. Your mind always started to put your own child in the position. Some days, work is exhausting. But I just keep going on because I need to make sure he has everything he needs and doesn't want for anything. I'd never forgive myself if he had to go without. If that means sacrificing stuff I need, then so be it. That's parenthood. When you're going it alone, it's basically everything doubled."

He smirked. "Rumour has it that the New York hospital he went to work with her trying to poach him permanently, and Kurt's always had New York dreams. Apparently they were completely shelved when all this stuff with Blaine went down and now everyone is assuming he turned the job down because of Blaine. Seriously, this place is forever rife with gossip. Kurt's just one of those guys. All the gay guys want him, all the straight chicks want to marry him if he was straight, and all the straight guys have no idea what the hell he has that makes him so appealing. And I really kind of hope things heat up there with him and Blaine when the dust settles because Blaine seriously needs it. He hasn't had a relationship in ages and he gets so uptight and work-oriented. If you're careful, you might turn into Blaine 2.0 yourself. It can't be all work and no play, can it? Just don't get to the point you're turning down an amazingly sure and healthy thing because you think you're too busy with work."

"I've always loved kids. I never had little brothers or sisters... Just my older sister, but I had little cousins that I played with a lot. I just can't imagine looking at a child and physically harming them, or neglecting them. I mean, yeah, there are the occasional brats that I'd like to bitchslap one good time, but even then, I never would. And those are never the kids that get abused anyway. Most of the time they are that way because they're pampered little fuckers to start with." Jeff shook his head just a little, sadness showing on his face. "You have to disconnect yourself from it as a medical professional, but sometimes it's really hard to do, you know? One of the first patients I ever lost was a little boy about four years old. His dad beat the crap out of him, and his mom called 911. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen. There's a lot of bad in this world. But it does me good to see a dad like you raising a kid as awesome as Rory. You should take pride in that for sure."

"Nice," Jeff replied with a grin. "He really must be into Blaine seriously, then. Good on them, if they decide to actually follow through with it. I hope they do. Blaine is a great guy, and I can tell Kurt is, too... And Jesus, his ass? Not that I'll be able to perve on it much if Blaine's got that on lockdown. But I'm pretty sure it'd be worth a non-perving law for them to get their happy on together. It's not that I'm not willing to date, though, honestly. It's just that I'm looking for something special... Not just a random screw here and there. I'm at that place in my life where that's what I want. I want the cuddles with the sex, and the waking up together, and having meals together when work allows, and all that stuff. Not just the random screw here and there."

The thing about kids was that they functioned on their own agenda, and it was right at that point that Rory went from being pretty content to bursting into tears. It wasn't an uncommon thing for him right now, considering he was teething and miserable. He had done quite well to stay as quiet as he had been this long, but to go from content to this that quickly, it was probably a diaper change that was needed. If it was his teeth, he usually worked up the tears with some grizzling and wriggling around first, or rubbing his face in against Nick's shoulder when his mouth was sore. "I'll be right back," he told Jeff apologetically and scooped his son into his arms, cradling him close. He didn't want to freak Jeff out having to put up with a bawling toddler, and he took Rory through to his room so he could change his diaper. He only realised Jeff had followed and was standing in the doorway watching when Rory was turning his head to the door and reaching his little hand out in Jeff's direction. Nick looked back as he was wrapping the wet diaper up to toss away and he had to laugh softly. "I almost forgot about your ADHD. Too long to sit still, huh?" he teased.

He had one hand on Rory's bare belly as he expertly got to changing the diaper. He was well-versed in how wriggly the little boy could be. He had learned the one-handed thing early on. "The first kid I ever lost was a three year old from a drunk drive crash. The seatbelt wasn't on properly. The poor thing had no hope of surviving. She was a mess. I'll tell you, though, it makes me triple-check Rory's seatbelts every time I put him in the car." He had to smirk, though, when his mind jumped back to the rest of their conversation. "Kurt's a total package. A lot of the gay guys have wanted a piece of that, though they're pretty sure Kurt's either extremely choosy or has a type. We just don't really know what that type is. He was with Andrew for quite awhile, but now Blaine... and Andrew and Blaine have clashed like crazy. I guess it's a pissing contest, on some level. So, you want something special. You have to start that somewhere, though. How will you kick anything serious off if you don't at least set the wheels in motion?"

Jeff immediately tensed when Rory started crying. He wasn't sure what was going on, or if he'd done something wrong, but the little guy was clearly upset. But Nick kicked right into action, knowing exactly what his son needed, and Jeff ended up wandering down the hallway into Rory's room. It was pretty amazing to Jeff just to see how Nick knew right away what Rory needed, and went about making it happen. He'd always been impressed with parents like that -- the ones who knew instinctively what their child's needs were and how to fix it. As Jeff stood there, he couldn't help grinning to see little Rory reach out toward him. "Yeah... I don't do well with the sitting still thing ever. I have enough focus to get through major surgeries, but sitting on a couch not so much." As Nick started to put Rory's clean diaper on, Jeff found himself crossing over to where they were standing and taking Rory's little hand in his own.

"Losing kids is always the worst," Jeff replied, giving Rory's hand a gentle squeeze. "You never get used to it... You think that there will come a point where you'll be able to totally separate from it, but it never comes. It's sickening and heartbreaking, and you always just feel horrible about it." He sighed, but gratefully smiled when Nick change back to the other topic at hand. "Yeah, he definitely is. I really like working for him, and he's absolutely a hottie. But I think if Kurt is choosy, there's something to be said for it. I mean, everybody deserves to find a person who makes them happy, and if you have a good idea of what that might look like for you, why not go for it? Is Andrew still into Kurt or something?" Jeff asked, half thinking out loud. "I know you have to start it somewhere, but I haven't really met anyone I really connected with... mostly because I work all the time. Most people who aren't in the medical field don't have a very good grasp on the kind of schedules we work and stuff like that." He paused with a shrug. "I guess it couldn't hurt to get out and go for it, though. It would just require me to stop being a total loser who doesn't have a life outside of work."

Nick just smiled at Jeff's response. Honestly, he didn't mind in the slightest that Jeff had followed him so they could keep talking. It was nice to have company that wasn't a two year old who was only just started to string words together, and not even words that made much sense yet. Nick didn't have much of a social life. Blaine was probably the person he interacted with most, and Blaine had been away in Africa for months so Nick had been quite lonely. He adored his son, unconditionally and beyond the realm of his comprehension, but he couldn't deny that he missed adult interaction on the regular. When he was alone at night after Rory was in bed, Nick found himself wishing he had someone to spend time with, to snuggle up with, to cuddle, to kiss, to make love to. That was pretty much an impossibility as a single dad who worked ridiculous hours, though, so he would happily settle for just more interaction with friends. And the big teller here was that Rory seemed to like Jeff, and wasn't shying away from him. Rory didn't trust easily, so it was a special thing for Nick to have his son's approval of who he would be spending time with.

He finished with the diaper and dressed Rory again, and then sat him up on the change table so he could get his bearings for a few moments. Nick feathered his fingertips through Rory's hair to comb it back down again. "You can't ever really separate from it. Especially when you have one of your own, you put yourself in the parent's shoes. It just makes you grateful for all the things you do have, rather than moping about the things you don't. I guess it's why I've resigned myself to the single life without much grief. I mean, it's not fair to expect anyone to just be saddled with a toddler. As much as I wish I could promise otherwise, Rory can interfere with private and intimate times. He might be sick or upset or restless, and I can't just leave him because I want to get laid." He picked Rory up and set him on his hip so he could carry him back through to the living room. This time, he put the toddler down on the floor so he could play with his toys. "Kurt won't settle. I admire that about him. He'd rather be single and fabulous than be with someone who doesn't fit him. Most people just settle. I think Andrew and Kurt know they're not suited together anymore, but they're still close friends. They still look out for each other, maybe a bit of protectiveness there that whoever is next needs to be right for them. It's nice. Just, Andrew thinks Blaine is a dick. At least, he did before he got sick. Things might have changed now. It's not healthy to just work all the time, you know. You need other things to balance or you'll end up miserable."

Jeff felt somehow like he should be surprised at the ease with which he and Nick had slipped back into being friends. It was almost as if they'd never stopped, never actually been apart. But when it got down to it, he wasn't surprised at all. He and Nick were best friends for years, and maybe they'd grown apart, but the things that had made them friends apparently made it easier to go right back to it. And it felt as if nothing had really changed at all. Other than, obviously, the growing up and Nick's being a father. But even then, with all of that time, and Rory's birth between now and when they were at Dalton, it was like they had never lost touch at all. And, like Nick, Jeff was really appreciating the fact that little Rory liked him. There was no question in Jeff's mind that was an important thing for his continued friendship with Nick. But it seemed not to be an issue at all. Rory wasn't afraid of him at all, and actually seemed to want him around, if the way the little one had reached for him when he saw him at the door of his room was any indication.

There was just such a tender love between Nick and his son that was blatantly obvious to Jeff as he watched Nick's gentle movements, all so careful and loving. The little boy obviously loved and trusted his daddy implicitly, and with good reason. Jeff found himself focused in on the picture that the pair created in front of him for so long that he almost missed what Nick was even saying. He snapped back to reality after just a moment, and nodded. "Not at all... I mean, I don't even have one of my own, but there's just something about that... about seeing a kid like that that breaks your heart. I mean, it's all good, I guess, if you are cool with being single. But Rory's a gorgeous kid, and I mean... I'm sure there's a person out there that would just love to be part of both of your lives. And anybody who wanted that with you would have to just understand that. You're not a bad option as someone's other half just because you're a dad who is really great with your son." For some reason, that particular statement struck Jeff in an odd way, and he fell quiet for a moment or two as Rory held onto a couple of his fingers in his little hand. The little guy was absolutely gorgeous, and just being around him and Nick made Jeff have this strange feeling in his gut that he couldn't totally explain or put words to. It was just there, and it wasn't going anywhere, and Jeff wasn't entirely sure he wanted it to. "It's pretty impressive, I gotta say. Most people end up hooking up because it's the done thing. Kurt's just like, 'Whatever, bitches, I'm flawless and I don't have to date to prove it.' But that being said, I think he and Blaine would be pretty great together. Hopefully Blaine and Andrew will get along better, though, because it would have to suck having them not get along on Kurt's part." With a small smile at Rory, who was playing in the floor now, Jeff glanced back at Nick. "True. I've just kind of... been waiting to find someone that I'd get on with and feel... I don't know, just feel right with. It needs to be something that clicks pretty quickly, because my time is really limited. I don't want to spend too much of it dating people that I'd never be happy with ever. I just... Want someone that's okay with my schedule and kind of a simple life beyond that. I'm not really looking for some wild and crazy lifestyle. Just... You know, somebody to share my life with. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it."

Once Nick was sitting again, he rested his elbows on his knees, leaning close to Rory while he settled with his toys. He may or may not hold an interest in them right now, and Nick hoped he did for a little while because he was feeling tired. He wouldn't be able to go to sleep until Rory settled and crashed out though, so it could be a long night yet. It wasn't a foreign thing for Nick to function on very little sleep when Rory was sick or just not settling in general. Again, it was another of those single parent things that could really bite and emphasise how lonely it could be sometimes. "Honestly, it's not so much me or how a potential romantic interest views me. It's that if I got too invested in it and Rory got invested too, and then it failed. Where does that leave him? He gets attached to someone, gets some sort of routine with someone and then it's over because they realise it's really hard work to date a single father who works crazy hours and we're left right back at square one. But not just square one, a square one where our entire routine is thrown out and life just gets even harder all over again. And even more lonely because I got used to something for a little while then suddenly, on my lonesome again. That's the hardest part really. It's not taking care of my son, because he's everything to me. It's being lonely and not having a special connection with someone. Not having someone to lean on or be comforted by. Hell, even when I get sick? I've still got to mostly go everything alone. Hooking up scares me because there's no guarantee it will work out and I don't want that to impact on Rory. In that sense, part of me feels selfish for even wanting it."

"I'm happy for my friends, and I hope it works out for them, I really do. I'm rooting for Blaine and Kurt because I know how lonely Blaine gets. He's a workaholic but he also has a lot of love to give. I think in a relationship, he'd thrive. I can live vicariously through him," he joked with a small, someone sad and resolved laugh, then gestured to Jeff. "And through you, if you decide to live in the fast lane and ask someone out on a date. There's some great places around here too. You have to remember too, it's not that hard to find someone with just as crazy lifestyle and schedule. All health workers are sort of in the same boat, you know? they'll get it. We also understand very much the good, the bad, and and the ugly of life because we see it every day."

While they sat there, little Rory in front of them, trying to decide what toy he wanted to play with, Jeff was quiet, listening to Nick as he spoke. It was definitely a valid concern he had, and Jeff knew that, with Rory's well-being and happiness hanging in the balance, there was no question whatsoever that Nick would do whatever was necessary to protect his son from any pain whatsoever. Rory was his first priority in every way, and that wouldn't stop under any circumstances for any reason. "That makes sense for sure, dude," Jeff said with a small nod. "I mean, Rory obviously means more to you than anything in this world. But on the reverse of that... I mean, there are lots of single parents who end up dating again, and find people who suit them and their family and stuff like that. Maybe if you got out there, you'd realize that there was somebody who'd really fit you guys and be good with everything, and then end up being good for you and Rory in the long run. I mean, you didn't do anything wrong in this, Nicky. And I know you love Rory and love being his dad and looking out for him. And I know that you want to keep him safe and protected. But maybe it would be a good thing for him for you to have someone to talk to for support and stuff. I mean, I can't make that call. Rory's your son, and only you know what's best for him. But maybe it would be good for him to see his dad really be happy with someone? Like I said, though. I know it's not my call... Just... things to think about."

Jeff had to nod wholeheartedly in agreement with that particular sentiment. "I really hope so, too. Lonely's kind of a bitch, I'm not gonna lie. Work is great when you enjoy your job, but it doesn't take the place of all those... Those couple things. Having a great job doesn't make you tea when you had a rough day, or cuddle with you when you just want to cut off the world. But I don't know. I mean, I know that there are people out there who understand what my job is like. Which is really nice, but I just... I guess it all starts with getting out there and getting my date on. Which is the hard part, believe it or not. I get way nervous over asking people out." He laughed a little at that. "I know, that's a pretty epic fail, but it's true."

Nick nodded with a small laugh as he looked down at his small son. "He does. But that doesn't mean now and again I just I wish I had a little bit more freedom so I could hook up and go a round of hot sweaty sex with someone just to relax and have a bit of fun," he confessed outright, not really beating around the bush anymore. This was Jeff, and they had been close friends for years before they lost touch. They had told each other everything, gone through a lot of personal things together. He figured the awkward of the reuniting could be put to rest now. He missed having his best friend. Blaine was that, but Blaine was more like a brother to him these days and even then, he had a mental schedule himself and had been overseas, closely followed by falling seriously sick with malaria. It had been a really long time since Nick just talked to anyone, confided in them. He usually just shoved it all to the back and got on with things. Then he met Jeff's gaze with a laugh, way his hand with a tired shake of his head. "Don't worry, I'm not going to pounce on you and tear your clothes off to drag you to bed and have my wicked way with you, even if we both are into dudes. Plus, I have a safety net with Blaine that if neither of us are hooked up on my 40th birthday, he'll give me a blow job so it's not like I'll go forever without another self-induced orgasm right?" He was joking, of course, because there was no way Blaine wouldn't be with someone then but it was all kind of depressing to think about.

He fell quiet then, the joke probably making him feel a little more awkward than he intended it to. He just let that sit with him for a moment or two before he was ready to shove it aside again like he always did. "It's just a matter of in the past, you thought if you grew up, got a job, it would be with mind to eventually support your family and children. Provide for them. Which is exactly what I'm doing. But this isn't how I envisaged it. I envisaged it with a partner too, not all on my own. That's the hard part. But take it from me, dude, you haven't got a single thing holding you back from any dating. You're hot, you're free, you've got a good job, no major debts. Just live and enjoy. Get out there and find someone to share it with. No one is going to hand it to you."

Jeff's eyes followed Nick's over to Rory again. The little one looked so damn much like Nick that Jeff almost couldn't believe it. But his attention was quickly drawn back in at Nick's words. He had to grin just a little at the blunt honesty of Nick's confession. It was a lot more like what Jeff was used to from his old BFF, and if he hadn't known any better, he would've almost -- almost -- thought they were back at school again. "Maybe it wouldn't hurt..." Jeff reasoned. "I mean, if you got a sitter for Rory one night and you just went out to a club or something and had a hookup. I mean... Seriously, if you needed somebody to look after him..." He trailed off there. He really wasn't sure why, but his offer to baby sit wouldn't come out. Something about the idea of watching Rory so Nick could go out and pull just sat wrong with him for some reason. Then Nick was jokingly assuring Jeff, and the blonde put on a look of mock offense. "Oh?" he joked. "And why not? Am I not hot enough for you to have your wicked way with? Or is it that you doubt my skills? Because I assure you, I've never had any complaints." It was all said in a tone of playful amusement, but it was still bothering Jeff for some reason. "Hate to break it to you, Nicky... but I sort of doubt Blaine will still be single then. By that point, I'll almost bet a paycheck that he and Kurt will have put a ring on it. So you might want another backup plan just in case."

As Nick changed the subject, Jeff nodded along. Nick was definitely making sense, and Jeff couldn't imagine suddenly finding yourself a single parent. Especially not in a situation like this one where it had been expected for him to have a life with Rory's mom. It had to be a rough place for anyone to be. "Yeah, I can definitely imagine that would suck," Jeff sympathized. "I mean, not that I think it being Rory's dad would suck, because he's gorgeous and he seems like a precious little guy, even if he is feeling yucky right now. But doing it all alone? Damn. I don't envy you, but Christ, do I respect you. I always thought I'd love to be a dad, but... But not alone." He tried to contain it, but a smile flickered across his face when Nick said that he was hot. "Maybe I will," he said with a shrug. "If I ever feel like going out after these crazy shifts..." Even as he spoke, it occurred to Jeff to wonder if it sounded as much like he was making excuses as it felt like... and if so, why was he making them at all?

Rory was getting into that sleepy zone. As he was listening to Jeff talk, he could see his son's eyes getting heavy and he had no real interest in his toys. It was almost like clockwork that Rory soon shifted and put his little head down onto the blanket beneath him with his arm hugged around a stuffed rabbit, and dozed off. He was a good little sleeper when he wanted to be and could drop off anywhere. It was one little luxury as a single dad Nick had, though that didn't mean Rory always slept on command. He had his nights were he just wouldn't sleep and that meant Nick was up with him too. But with the teething, he was worn out and run down, so he was dropping off with no real routine right now. Nick could leave him a few more minutes until he slept more deeply and then pick him up to transfer him to the cot in his room.

It was after Jeff got to his point about Nick just getting a sitter so he could go out and get laid that Nick's dark eyes turned to gaze at Jeff. The look lingered for a little longer than normal and then he just cleared his throat softly with a small shake of his head. "That's not really my style. Palming my kid off to a sitter so I can get my dick out. It wouldn't feel right. Besides, hook-ups with random faceless dick in general just doesn't sit well in my gut now that I'm a dad. I don't even know why. I can't explain it." He paused with a small snort of a laugh. "No, you're plenty hot," was all he added to that, his tone blatantly serious as he held Jeff's gaze. What the hell was his mind doing to him here. There was no way he and Jeff could have a hook-up. It would make things weird and awkward... right? They might have been BFFs in school, but Nick hadn't know Jeff batted for that team back then, and he had a kid now. Things were different. He was sure there were Hollywood movies with plots like this that ended up always blowing up in the characters' faces. He didn't need sex that much... or at all. So, it was stupid for his brain to even be thinking along these lines. It wasn't convenient or easy, it was stupid, and he didn't want to make things weird just because they both liked dick. He could live without sex and anything else. He had done it this long.

Jeff had been watching Rory, too, and he had to smile just a little, before shaking his head. "Poor little guy's beat," he observed quietly. "I don't think I've ever seen a kid just kick out like that, though. He really must be a sleepy little one. Teething looks like hard work." He knew Rory was miserable, and he hated it for the little guy. It was an unfamiliar feeling that he wasn't sure he could really put his finger on. He was always concerned with those things when it was one of his patients, and especially if said patient was a child, but this wasn't like a patient. This was Nick's child. The flesh and blood of the best friend Jeff had ever had, barring no one. And that meant something, but Jeff wasn't even sure what yet.

"I didn't really think it would be your thing," Jeff replied. "I mean... You always kinda seemed like you'd want sex to be something special. I don't know, though, you may have been another Brian Kinney before you got with Rory's mom. It's been ages since I've seen you. But that just... doesn't seem like something that's changed with you." Jeff didn't know what was happening, but Nick's eyes were holding his as he spoke, and he just couldn't look away. There was an almost awkward feeling hanging between them, but Jeff wasn't sure it was even that. Awkward didn't seem like the right word. But it was definitely something, and it only increased when Nick reiterated his statement that Jeff was hot. Only it really didn't sound like a joke, and Jeff wasn't sure how to take it. It was just... quiet, and they were both staring at each other, and Jeff wasn't sure why there was an overwhelming urge in him all of a sudden just to kiss Nick... well, maybe not *just* kiss him, but that would definitely be a start and... what the fuck was he thinking? Nick's two year old son was sleeping on the floor right in front of them. It wasn't right to mack on a little kids dad right in front of them, was it? Even if Rory was asleep... Right? He couldn't do that. Could he? Of course... maybe one kiss wouldn't hurt? Maybe? In the midst of all the back and forth in his mind, Nick was still looking at him and Jeff felt like he had to do something. So maybe it was ADHD, and maybe it was just what he needed to do, but he leaned closer to Nick and pressed a kiss to the other man's lips -- soft and questioning, but very much a kiss -- and waited to see what might come next.

"He's a good sleeper. Sort of like me. I lucked out that way, he just crashes out when he's tired enough and it doesn't matter where he is. You could blast Queen through the speaker system and he probably wouldn't stir. Unless, of course, he's having a Terrible Twos moment and he might literally just not sleep for days on end in the night and sleeps like a log for the sitter during the day. Those are the times I'll look something akin to a bad extra on Night of the Living Dead. The teething can sort of take him either way. If I had to pick, I'd prefer him sleeping than awake and in pain," Nick confessed, much like any parent would for their child. His eyes lingered on his son as he spoke until Jeff's voice captured his attention and he was watching him intently again.

Then all a sudden (at least, it felt sudden), Jeff was kissing him and it blew Nick's mind so much that he wasn't entirely convinced he wasn't imagining it. Like, maybe he was so tired his brain lapsed into a power nap or something and this was a weird micro-dream. Which made no sense, because even if it was a dream, it was still a dream about Jeff kissing him, and that was weird, right? Jesus, it had to be weird, but why was it feeling so right? It took Nick's brain a few moments to actually catch up with the reality and he knew then that he really had no choice but to kiss back. It was the first kiss other than from Rory that he had received in a long time, and this wasn't even in the same realm as drooly two year old kisses all over his face. Which was probably a good thing. Jeff was a good kisser. An amazing kisser, actually, but that inevitable kick of uncertainty and almost borderline guilt that he should only be thinking about Rory got him in the gut and he pulled back, breathless.

He touched his lips and cleared his throat, pointing down at his son. "I should... should, um, just get him into bed before..." Before? Before what, Nick? If Rory was in bed in his room, maybe Nick would feel a little less nervy about the whole thing. He could put the baby monitor on and he would know if Rory woke up, so that would be fine. Still, he scooped his sleeping son up into his arms and carried him through to his room to put him down to sleep. His mind was racing a mile a minute while he went through the motions and turned the monitor on. He drew a deep breath and let it out in a rush when he grabbed up the portable side of the monitor and then stepped back out into the hall, finding Jeff hovering there uncertainly like he wasn't sure if he had just gotten rejected or what. Nick wet his lips and glanced at the door of his bedroom across the hall. "J-Just say we do... whatever... it won't make anything weird between us, will it?"

When Nick's lips weren't pressed to his anymore, Jeff found himself wondering just what the fuck this meant, in the midst of hoping like hell that he hadn't just managed to make all the things ever awkward between them. Nick was definitely an incredible kisser, too... One of the best that Jeff had ever kissed, and there was just the slightest whimper of protest from Jeff when Nick pulled away. He understood, though. Or at least, he hoped he did. There was kind of a sleeping two year old right there on the floor, and they couldn't just leave him there and get lost and wrapped up in each other. Rory needed his bed, and Jeff knew that. He just didn't know what the hell was coming at him from Nick's side of things at all. He couldn't read the situation in the haze of having just macked on his former best friend hardcore.

The next thing Jeff knew, Nick was carrying Rory's tiny sleeping form down the hallway, and Jeff was wondering if he'd managed to fuck this whole thing up, and right after just having found Nick again, too. He was doing that mental thing, beating himself up for such a stupid fuck up, and trying to figure out how he could've been so stupid, when Nick came out into the hall again. And he was asking a question that Jeff hadn't been expecting at all. "No..." he replied carefully. "Nothing will be weird on my end of things. What about you? Is this... Are you okay with this, Nicky?" It occurred to Jeff as he spoke that he hadn't actually asked Nick about sex or fooling around. Had Nick just assumed that was what he wanted? He definitely didn't want the other guy to think that. Jeff was raised to be a gentleman -- if a very hyper and bouncy one most of the time when he wasn't utterly exhausted from his shift -- and he was taught by both parents from the time he knew what sex was that it was never something you were supposed to just assume was on the table.

Or was it not that Nick assumed Jeff was trying to get in his pants? Could it be that sex was very much what Nick wanted? Jeff had no qualms whatsoever about sleeping with the other guy. He was hot, no doubt about it. And he was some someone that Jeff had always trusted, and yes, loved. Granted back then, the love that he'd felt for Nick had never been on the level of romantic or sexual in any way. Not because Nick wasn't beautiful, but because Jeff hadn't come into his sexuality yet. For that matter, he hadn't really even been thinking on the wavelength that other guys were, as far as sex and love and all that stuff went. "Nicky, I... I swear that whatever happens, you and I will still be okay. I'll make sure of it."

Nick looked down at the baby monitor, making sure it was switched on and the lights were green. They went red when the battery was getting low, and really, he was just buying himself some time to try and figure out what the hell his head and heart were doing here, and whether they were actually on the same page. If we were honest with himself, it wasn't so much the physical act of having sex with Jeff that was making him hesitate. It was the fact that he was worried they did, that more feelings might start to ignite there, and especially in the wake of the kiss they just shared out of the blue. Nick was so lonely, what if he found himself falling for Jeff and it all got messy and awkward? Not that it sort of wasn't already. He was a single dad, and that was always the wider reaching factor in anything he did. But the place there to even start before anything happened was that Jeff seemed to like Rory, and Rory seemed okay with him in return and that just... never happened. For one, it was rare Nick let many people close enough to Rory to test it out, and for two, Rory wasn't easily comfortable with people he didn't know, yet here he had been completely comfortable in Jeff's presence and even happily being nursed by him for an extended period of time. Was he okay with this? The answer really was... there was no clear answer. "Just sex..." he murmured, listening to the words out loud and testing how they felt. But he cleared his throat and uncertainly met Jeff's gaze. "I don't think I just want sex," he admitted cautiously.

And then it was out there and he couldn't take it back. He didn't want to either, even if his stomach was flip-flopping nervously at just his confession. He had to elaborate, because just leaving it like that was pretty heavy and full-on. "I just don't... can't... do the one night thing. I know I can't. If I do something... anything, it's got to mean something. It's got to be... be..." He waved the baby monitor a little, fishing around for the right words he was looking to cover what was going on, even if it was a bit of a confused mess. "A possible exploration of more than just one night." Did that even make sense? He had no fucking idea anymore. What the hell was he trying to say? If he slept with Jeff, he didn't want it to just be a random fuck. If he slept with Jeff, he knew it was going to do things to him that he wouldn't have control over. He didn't know how he knew, but he just did.

Jeff had to be honest with himself when he admitted, if only in his mind, that he didn't just want sex either. Of course he wanted sex, and of course he wanted it with Nick. There was no reason not to. Nick was a great guy, an amazing friend, sexy as hell, and a kickass kisser to boot. There was nothing to have qualms about there. Nothing at all. But Nick was opening up here, giving Jeff a very real, and very serious confession that Jeff had to take seriously. There was no joking going on right now. There was a very real possibility that they were about to have sex, but not if it was just sex. A casual fuck wasn't even on the table here, and Jeff realized fully how heavy that was. His dark eyes rested on Nick as the other man seemed to struggle for just a minute before explaining further. This couldn't just be a random fuck. It wasn't even an option, and when Nick spoke, Jeff couldn't help agreeing wholeheartedly. All that talk earlier about finding someone to cuddle with on the bad days... Someone to love and have with him through the good times and the bad ones... maybe his mind was running away with him here, and there was so much on the table with it all to think about, but he could imagine himself having those things with Nick. He didn't believe for a minute that it was the horny side of him running away. He'd fucked hot guys before, even hot guys he cared about, but it had never really felt like this to him on any level.

He took a step to put himself closer to Nick, and reached out to take the hand that wasn't holding the baby monitor. "Nicky... I know. And I don't... I don't just want to fuck you, either. I've... We've cared about each other for a long time. And we missed some time... a lot of time, really. But I never stopped caring. I... I couldn't help wondering when I found out you liked guys, too, if... If we'd stayed in touch, maybe would something have happened with us? So we'd end up together? I don't know. I know we can't really know that for sure because it's not how things went. But Nicky, I do care about you. And if we sleep together, I swear to you, I won't just be fucking you. I'm open to whatever might happen next. As long as what happens next isn't us being weird and never talking again." His hand squeezed Nick's tight. "I'm willing to try this, though. Are you? Because if you're not, I'll understand. Sleeping together was never a given for me anyway."

Nick knew that if he stopped and let himself think too much on any of this, he would overthink it and talk himself out of it, like he did with any possible risk since he had been cheated on and became a single dad. He protected his heart under lock and key and got anxious or worried about any situation that might get him hurt or hurt Rory. He always talked himself out of everything. It wasn't like he was awful to look at and he was a nice guy, but every offer of a date he got, he turned them all down. He didn't go to work parties, he didn't even make random eye contact with people when he was out with Rory in case he got disapproving looks, or worse, lurid looks. He played on the safe side all the damn time these days, and as a result, he was lonely and his life revolved around parenting and work. He never complained, but right now, with Jeff here, he was really wondering if this was going to hurt him or help him. Jeff was a comfort zone. He was the closest friend Nick had ever had, even if they had lost touch. Sure, he hadn't known back then that Jeff was into guys on any level so it hadn't crossed his mind to be into him but now he was maybe realising that perhaps they were close because they had a deeper connection than most friends. A connection that was still very much there and was pushing to the forefront as sexual attraction now. Fuck, it had been a really long time since Nick had sex. What if he didn't know what to do?

No, no... he had to stop overthinking everything or he would back out. Rory was asleep, he was safe. He was teething, but he was still settled enough to sleep without stirring, and Nick had the baby monitor if that changed. Then you had Blaine who had taken a leap of faith and slept with Kurt, laying his heart on the line there, even if the situation was very uncertain there too. Maybe Nick should take a leaf out of his old friend's book here? He didn't have answers to Jeff's questions. He hadn't really known a lot back then that he was into guys, so it was hard to say if they would have developed into more. But they did have the hear and now, and maybe they should just take each moment as it came?

He wet his lips and nodded, pulling Jeff closer with his hand into his bedroom. "Come on then," he murmured. Hell, if he needed to overthink it, he could do that afterwards, right?

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"Do I remind you of somewhere you wanna be, so far out of reach?"

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